LoL

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect..... .
so why practice?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep.

There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning.

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

English is the weirdest language!!!

ONLY THE ENGLISH COULD HAVE INVENTED THIS LANGUAGE 

 We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
 But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
 One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
 Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
 You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
 Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

 If the plural of man is always called men,
 Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
 If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
 And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
 If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
 Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

 Then one may be that, and three would be those,
 Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
 And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
 We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
 But though we say mother, we never say methren.
 Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
 But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

 Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
 There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
 neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
 English muffins weren't invented in England .
 We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
 we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
 and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
 grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
 Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
 If you have a bunch of odds and ends
 and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

 If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
 If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
 Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
 should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

 In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
 We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
 We have noses that run and feet that smell.
 We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
 And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
 while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

 You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
 in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
 in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes
 off by going on.

 And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

 AND IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES THEN PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND
 SHOULD BE HOLES AND THE GERMANS, GERMS.

 And lets not forget the Americans, who changed s to z, but that's another story............

Advice from Association Of Retired People

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexywomen who are interested in them?	A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going throughmenopause?	A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.  When you're done you'll have a  place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?	A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?	A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderlywrinkles?	A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and allthose wrinkles on my face?	A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?	A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems withshort term memory storage?	A: Storing memory is not a problem,Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?	A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?	A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?	A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humour, RIGHT?

Idiots of 2008

Here are some jokes that I want to share. Enjoy yeah! :D

Number One Idiot of 2008.
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre..
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants.. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away..

Number Two Idiot of 2008.
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them..
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated... They are no longer
employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot of 2008.
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland  , walked into the Branch and
wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.'
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller's window.. So he left the Bank and
crossed the street to the NAB Bank.. After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed his note to the teller She read it and, surmising from
his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour,
told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of Queensland  deposit slip and that he would either,
have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland  ..
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left..
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at.
the Bank of Queensland  . Happened in Noosa!

Number Four Idiot of 2008.
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer..
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
him.. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his
wallet and gave it to the clerk..
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
she put the Scotch in the bag... The robber then ran from the store with
his loot..
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that she got off the licence.. They arrested the robber two
hours later..

Number Five Idiot of 2008
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.. The
first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him..

Number Six Idiot of 2008.
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just
throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run..
So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window.. The.
brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store
window was made of Flexi-Glass. .. The whole event was caught on
videotape..   Perth WA  .
 

Number Seven IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger..
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said
he was sorry, but they only had iceberg..
Happened in Surfers Paradise  !!!

Number Eight IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know??' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Melbourne  .

Number Nine JUST AN IDIOT :
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked in it..
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the drivers side door..
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know - I already got that side.'
This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.